Anatomy of Excitement
I’ve been through many psychological journeys in my life, most notably coming to terms with what was done to me as a child. When I’m feeling or acting in a way that harms myself or others then only thing I know to do is dissect those harmful moments. I replay them in slow motion to try to understand the sequence of what at the time seemed like a flash.
The first flash I confronted like this was “instant” anger. I would get angry in a situation out of all proportion to what was going on in the outside world. For example, I might feel afraid (because a situation reminded me of my childhood) & a moment later transmute that fear into anger. Shame, fear, helplessness were all dry tinder for the flame of anger.
My response was to “insert logic”, to find a way to:
Become aware of the presence of the trigger.
Give myself a way to think instead of slip along the polished track from the primary to the secondary emotion.
Sometimes the logic takes the form of a phrase. “Okay, and next,” is something I say to myself when I’m overwhelmed by multiple tasks. If I’m experiencing dissociation, I run my hands over my head to bring me back into my body.
Why I bring all this up is that I need to insert logic into my poker playing. I think a lot, and hard, but we aren’t talking about a thinking situation here. We’re talking about managing emotions. I talked about a hand here where I rivered top set vs 2 players on a straightening board. My reaction on the river was purely emotional. That’s what I need to manage.
Playing short has given me the space to examine my own emotional response to hands. Here’s what I notice: the out-of-proportion excitement starts as soon as I look at my cards.
I have been looking at cards like this:
Hold the cards in my left hand.
Straighten them with my right pinky.
Lift them together with my left thumb, shielding them with my right hand.
Pinch them between my left thumb and forefinger.
Spread them apart.
Mechanically there’s nothing wrong with this process. I get to see the cards. They are well hidden from other players. All good.
The emotional over-reaction begins with step 3. When I see that first card I start to react. Low card? Le sigh. High card? Oh, goodie!
Now comes the payoff, step 5. When I see the second card I amplify my reaction. Deuce (sigh) & then an offsuit 7 (big sigh). Ace (yippee!) & another ace (party time!).
I’ve actually got a decent emotional handle on unplayable cards (Tommy’s auto-fold range). I say to myself, “The deck is telling me not to play this hand.” And I fold. Most hands end that way, at least the way I play. I seldom whine, even internally, about being card dead. The deck has told me not to play hands for an hour. What am I going to do, play the hands anyway?
It’s the “good” hands that I have over-reacted to. With aces I immediately have visions of hitting top set & doubling or tripling up. How awesome would that be? Fact is, aces is a one pair hand. Lots of other hands will pay it off, but by the river lots of hands have overtaken it.
Last night I started sketching out a complicated way of visualizing the positive & negative equity of hands, thinking to use that as my logic to insert. That may be useful, but I’m going to try something simpler for now.
Going into peeling my cards, I’m going to ask myself, “Does the deck want me to play this hand?”
I’m going to spread the cards before I peel them up so I don’t have the amplifying moment of antici……pation.
Then I’ll evaluate the answer to my question. Does the deck want me to play this hand? Yes, no, maybe so. That’s all I know until I see a flop, whether I’m going to play this hand.
Off to Wynn 2/5 to buy in short & practice.